NaNoWriMo - Yes I am writing a 50K novel in 30 days ... and

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:00 pm

So, I'm still in 4 digits.... haven't been working on it every day.

Could anyone take a look and tell me what they think so far?

JigokuBosatsu · Post by **JigokuBosatsu** » Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:48 pm

While I like the idea, I think the problem with this After Sundown fanfiction is that its assumptions about the reader's knowledge of the game is a little too pat. I mean, narratives work sometimes that don't explain who is who and what is what, but they typically have a super strong voice to compensate. On the other end of it, to be able to have these things explained in a naturalistic way, you generally need an inexperienced POV character. The shitty middle ground is where dwells... Tom Clancy, I guess. And most fanfiction.

And I'm not totally talking out of my ass. I have half a White Wolf novel (30K+ words) I started back in '95 that will never see the light of day, because it suffers from the very same problem. To have a serious storyline come off as... whimsical or breezy, unless the POV character actually IS, makes for a very unprofessional read. Totally speaking from experience.

So, my suggestion would be to find a stronger narrative voice, not necessarily your own, but perhaps one owned by an interesting character. Otherwise it will seem like just a bunch of dudes talking about stuff. Keep working! It could be great.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:12 pm

Here, this is a different story, that uses Rowling/Prattchet style narrative exposition, tell me if it works better.

I identify my main problem as stringing together full plots... that I need real help with.

JigokuBosatsu · Post by **JigokuBosatsu** » Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:17 pm

Jess' email from Jan 18 wrote:So, right at the moment this feels pretty weak to me, in the way that most fan fiction feels. It lacks gravity. Which is okay in most cases, but I get the feeling from this piece that you aren't really digging it yourself. One thing that could help is to decide what kind of story this is really going to be. It seemed to me to be drifting back and forth in between jaded dark-is-not-evil-mostly types having banter, and OMG GOT TO GET TO CLASS FOR POTIONS. I think I would prefer the former- especially as you're obviously working in a Tome influence. It was the gruesome conversation with the gnome that really suggested the potential of this piece to me.

Here's my suggestion for a possible revamp: have the main characters be prefects or something at the (more obviously evil or amoral) school. Put this piece in media res instead of "Everyone's arriving at the inn!" Let some of your exposition flow (or just be implied), so that the reader feels as if they are experiencing the world instead of just having it be pointed at them. Find a voice- not just for yourself (and by proxy the narrating character), but for all the characters. So far most of the dialogue and action in this piece seem to be either cliche or excuses for infodump- which is true with most writing, sure, but in this case the seams are showing. Your confidence as a writer will have a huge part in that.

Don't feel that I'm just tearing you down- honest criticism is hard to do. You have a great idea- I think you should refine that idea, and start from there. You'll probably feel a little better about it when the concept is more focused. Anway, good luck on more drafts! Let me know if you want to bounce anything off me- hell, I'd be willing to collaborate too.

Well, I'd be tempted to say I'm getting senile due to repeating myself

, but I do think it's good advice that applies to both stories. Now that I think about it, I think I'm trying to tell myself something as well...

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:24 pm

Oh yeah.... I showed you that before.... my brain is dying from lack of certain luxuries, I think.

JigokuBosatsu · Post by **JigokuBosatsu** » Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:31 pm

Prak_Anima wrote: lack of certain luxuries

Hopefully not things like protein and oxygen...

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:44 pm

nope, got plenty of those. I said luxuries, not necessities. I'm trying to keep from turning into the old Count.

Count Arioch the 28th · Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:02 am

Pssht. If you were half the man I was, you could survive on cardboard and gloom for the rest of your life.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Thu Nov 24, 2011 3:12 am

Heh, that makes it sound as if you're at least partiality Russian, count.

no, I'm just Moody because if lack of sex. I think I have some nerves being pinched in my neck that are making it difficult for me to actually function...

Count Arioch the 28th · Thu Nov 24, 2011 3:19 am

I'm half German, nearly half Irish, and a touch Native in my ancestry.

And my background has its advantages: Even when I was with someone, I never got to have sex often enough to be used to having it. So to be honest, I don't miss it and don't actually care if I ever have it again. None of the sex I've had was in any way worth the effort it takes to obtain it. Although I wouldn't mind a cool chick to hang out with sometimes. Sex is overrated, but it's always nice to have someone to play Wii with.

JigokuBosatsu · Post by **JigokuBosatsu** » Mon Nov 28, 2011 11:30 pm

Here's a good practical little thing I just read: "Robert Heinlein once wrote that the best way to give the flavor of the future is to drop in, without warning, some strange detail. He gives as an example, 'The door dilated open.' Mention it once, and never mention it again, except to satisfy the needs of continuity. And your readers know, from these subtle details, that they aren't exactly dealing with the real world anymore."
— Larry Niven

Starmaker · Post by **Starmaker** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 5:42 pm

JigokuBosatsu wrote:It's just an online writing interface with some tools. Not sure that it's worth the hassle.

/slowpoke

Scrivener is not online. It's a document organizer for text files (embedding pics sucks as of Windows v.1.0.2) complete with a fullscreen mode, notes, tags and versioning. Versioning ("snapshots") is awesome, everything else is standard issue.

tzor · Post by **tzor** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:01 pm

In my novel I generally used a style of childish terminology that was common in the Paranoia game system.

For example, the standard morning drug is called "Wakey wake."
From that I dervived the standard sleep drug "Sleepy sleep"
A shower is called a "Washy wash"

Rooms were adjusted in the same way, for example the highly effieient completely waterless room with the urinal and the hand sanitizer was called the "Wee Room."

The room with the toilet was called ... on second thought, I decided just to call it the "Necessity Room" and confuse the hell out of everyone. Fun fact: American Roadside, a great burger joint, does use the word "Necessity" to indicate the location of their rest rooms.

JigokuBosatsu · Post by **JigokuBosatsu** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:02 pm

Fun fact- shitters were called "necessaries" back in Colonial times.